Face tatoo

Nowadays it feels so different to recall the olden days (10 years ago? 13 years ago?), when such silly things seemed world shifting to me. Back in the day I often thought i was the only one like that, with such thoughts and such destiny, such relationships and such family. I spoke my mind openly, freely and with confidence. Having no doubt in rightfulness of things said. I shouted my opinions out loud, i was very soft and loving, timid in a way, indecently honest, extremely giving, very upright and fair. Some things that happened due to me being that way make me sick when i recall them. Not everyone around me was as honest and as giving. Some masked their batteries and i ended up being left behind. Did those people make me as i am right now? Probably they did as well....
These days i overuse expressions like "in my book", "in my head", "pardon my bluntness", "excuse my curiosity", "if you allow me to be frank": you get the drill. I have to make an excuse everywhere i speak.The best thing is - i do not mind that! Quite often i find people get so easily offended when hearing the blunt truth. Even though presumably they do not wish to be lied to. It seems they would still much rather prefer the prettier deception.
I get carried away so easily.
My point here is that when i recall how i was before: before my second high school, before my University, before my first sex, before my first love, before I left my parents' house, before I changed my life into something I never thought it would be, before i got married, before i had my child...before...before..before... when I think of myself as i used to be back then, i fall in love with how spotless,clean my heart was. How clear of any wrong were my intentions and thoughts. How hopelessly altruistic I acted. I actually love that about all children. They radiate with purity, honesty, simplicity, naivete! Beautiful, glorious naivete!

“Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love


I remember myself sitting in front of the movie theater screen as I heard this phrase for the first time. One of the few things that did feel right throughout the movie - hearing this.

It's incredible how differently from 10 years ago(? 13 years ago?) i see things right now. It is a whole new world. Other things, totally other things seem world shifting right now. Most of the recollections from the past make me shake my head and smile.

Who would have thought that someone's radiant smile, wrinkling nose bridge and excited exclamation "Ahh-deeee!" will make me so incredibly happy! It's ridiculous how the tiniest face expression, insignificant(not to me!) discovery or a surprised peek-a-boo makes me go around and share, share, share. I do not ever get tired of watching her directly and in pictures and videos - when she is asleep. I find i miss her throughout her 90 minute day nap. She is the most incredible person I've met so far. I do not get tired of letting her get to know me, learning her inner arrangement and outer expression.

If there is a way for me to earn some "points" by helping this girl be a better person, I will then get most out of my chance here!





I DEDICATE THIS AND EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE TO MY DAUGHTER, ALICE.